We are officially in the second half of the year and It stuns me how time so gracefully slips through our lives like water in our hands. We have seen the seasons change from bundling layers while shoveling snow covered grounds, to running out the door rushing toward the sounds of the ice cream truck in efforts to get a sweet cool treat against the heat. We have said good bye to the wind nibbling our ears, and smiled while welcoming the suns kisses on our skin.
In these few months I have smiled so hard new lines have found home on the corners of my mouth, laughed loud enough to cause my dogs to bark in excitement, and cried enough tears to water seeds of growth now blooming in my spirit. In these few months I have been forced to face fears I never knew I had and received blessing I never knew I wanted.
I sat on the edge of defeat when I lost my Grandmother. A woman who gave her life for others and raised me as her own. She suffered from the thief of memories… alzheimer’s. Years of faces and moments stolen from her, barely knowing her own name. But our connection never broke. She still hung on to my name even when she didn’t understand what was happening, she would ask for the girl she knew belonged to her.. her grand child… her daughter. She wasn’t alone. Family came to see her, her children held her hand and surround her with love, and her husband loving her for decades never left her side. Even though I was aware of what was coming, that her time would finally come to a pause, I was not prepared for the pain.
I became angry that time wouldn’t stop in honor of such an amazing woman. I didn’t want to be a feeling person any longer. I wanted to stand still in a garden full of blooms, craved out of marble. A cold pillar unaffected by the pain beating in my chest refusing to leave my body. But that’s not how it works. We may have been designed to feel these emotions, but I came to learn with this lost, this overwhelming feeling of pain and voidness, that I had no choice but to work through my pain. Blinded by my loss I couldn’t see the beauty that surrounded me.
I witnessed the loving bound of my grandfather and grandmother, receiving comfort that he not only held her hand but also her spirit. I had to let go of my desire of becoming an emotionless statue to hear my family tell wonderful stories of the brilliant woman I called Gram. We had all lost, not only me and seeing my family moving and not standing in their pain comforted me.
Hours passed to days, turning into weeks and eventually the time I once resented became my ally. With reinforcing friendships, the love from my family, and the tenderness of my loving boyfriend, my stone like exterior has been broken and I am in my skin again. I started the year eager to see what lied ahead and ended up learning more about myself then ever before. In this time I have learned to love through pain, found the importance of experiencing life, and realized our time on earth is only for a moment and though the world continues when you are gone, what you do on this earth will leave it’s mark on those still here
At this years half mark I venture into these next six months, with only one expectation. I want to be a better person than when I started. I want to learn from every single experience and be strong enough to lift any weight I am handed. I am blessed with angels on earth and above to guide me through this journey.
I am wishing everyone an amazing second half of the year and my God bless your journey.